E7 C1: Who is Vicky?

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Gina: I'm 17 years old, standing in an art supply store right outside the city, talking to a boy I met literally five seconds ago who works in the store. And I look this complete stranger dead in the eye and I say, "Who is Vicky?" And my mom is behind me going, "Gina, stop." And I said, "No, Mom, be quiet." And I turned back to that kid and I said, "Look, you don't know me.

you I was gonna tell you my [: 00:01:00

Okay, before we get in the time machine, two quick things. One, names. Every name in this story is changed, every single one, and if you think you know who somebody is, keep it to yourself because you might be wrong, and honestly, it doesn't matter. The people don't matter. The pattern matters. That's the whole point of this show.

rogress, including me. Okay. [: 00:02:00

So I always thought I had a pretty good childhood. And here's the thing about childhood: you don't know any better. You only know what you know. Your normal is just normal. It takes 20, 30 years and a whole lot of therapy, money, to look back and go, "Oh, that's where that came from My house was chaos.

events. I was late to school [: 00:03:00

Yes, she's back. That Sister Helen from episode two. This little old lady with a mean-ass mug, she was like a Rottweiler. That lady was pretty famous, honestly. Somebody should make a movie out of her life. It would probably be really good now that I think about it My dad worked long hours, and my dad drank.

g home sometimes. And I know [: 00:04:00

He'd pour us some orange juice and hand us little Flintstone vitamins, and I liked that When I was little, usually he'd have to leave before I got up, and he got home around, 10 at night, and my mom would let us stay up to see him when he got home. But the older I got, the more my mom worked and the less my dad worked, and the more he drank.

re's the thing about my dad. [: 00:05:00

I still don't know exactly why. I mean, I have a guess, but I don't know why. Then I believe he became a cop for a while. That chapter didn't end the way anybody hoped, so his story, not mine to tell, so I'll leave it right there. But hold onto that picture, the star who walked away.

Nobody sat us down and explained any of that. That's just the way it was

And my mom, [: 00:06:00

And at some point, we all started disrespecting my mom, me included Kids don't do what you say. Kids do what you allow them to watch. I didn't respect my mom when I was young, and it took becoming her decades later,

ut surviving, I learned from [: 00:07:00

The house I grew up in is where I took that class. Straight As, unfortunately. Now, here's where little Gina comes in. I was the perfect one, not because I thought I was perfect or anything, because that's what everybody always said all my life. Perfect student, perfect dancer and cheerleader, and perfect friend, and Gina's so good at this, and Gina's so good at that.

ht they were being nice, and [: 00:08:00

Somebody asked me recently what I actually liked to do as a kid, and I genuinely could not answer that because everything I did, I did because I had to. You have to go to school. You have to get the grades. You have to practice, perform, achieve, smile, repeat. The perfect little girl checklist, episode one, girls.

ut yourself, and if I did, I [: 00:09:00

Anyway, nobody ever asked that little girl what she wanted, including her. But I'll tell you what I did have, and this part's not sad at all. I had my people, a huge loud Italian family . My grandmom, who is in her 90s and is still the mayor of everywhere she goes. My grandpop, a legend, who built a corner deli with my mom and her brothers that half the neighborhood worked at, including me and all my friends, making hoagies and running the lottery machine.

I want you to remember them [: 00:10:00

I wanted to go to the co-ed school, but that required a bus, and we've established I couldn't get anywhere on time, so my mom said absolutely not. All girls, walking distance. That's where you're going And right around then, I met him For the purposes of this podcast, we are calling him Coolio.

Why Coolio? [: 00:11:00

He was, to 17-year-old me, the most beautiful thing God ever made. And I need you to understand something. I did not like this boy. I knew he was my soulmate. We were getting married. It was decided. That was it for me. There was nobody else forever, the end [00:12:00] He was the first frog pot I ever climbed into voluntarily, and that fucking water felt amazing.

Now, the first time you cheated on me, yes, the first time, get comfortable .. it was with a girl who basically was family to him I'm gonna leave the family tree alone. It's a whole diagram. Just trust me, it was weird. But here's the part that gives me chills still. This girl went to my school a grade below me, and she was obsessed with me.

and shoes as me. And when he [: 00:13:00

I stayed friends with her , because I blamed him, not her. Because apparently at 16, I had already learned that boys will be boys, but girls better keep everyone comfortable.

Where did I learn that class? Anyone? Yeah, we already covered that. And every time, I forgave him because I was in love, and because watching a woman forgive a man over and over was not exactly new material in my life He wasn't mean to me. I wanna be fair. That came later in life from other contestants.

He was [: 00:14:00

"Oh my God, he must really fucking love me Ma'am, that is not love. That is a felony waiting for a venue. But we didn't know. Nobody taught us the difference between passion and danger. Episode four, girls. That lesson cost me 20 years, and I'm handing it to you for free

Now, I gotta [: 00:15:00

Condoms

uck I was a teenager looking [: 00:16:00

I said, "Mom, I have to tell you something." And I told her. And my mother, tough as nails, beautiful, hardworking angel mother, looked at me and said, "Oh, those are probably one of his friends. They're not his. Trust me, , your dad would never cheat on me And I remember standing there, , 16 years old thinking, "Really, Mom?

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My mom didn't respect herself enough to look at the thing, so I learned you're not supposed to look at the thing. She chose peace over truth, ... And I spent the next 20 years doing the same version of that exact same move with a better wardrobe.

was your childhood. Episode [: 00:18:00

, She's cool." And my dumb ass believed him. 17 years in that house, and I was already fluent in believing the version that hurt less. Then I got a weird text one day at work, anonymous basically, and it said, "I think he's cheating on you with a girl at his [00:19:00] school." I told myself it was a joke, and then one of my best friends, who is still one of my best friends and still lives around the corner from me to this day, calls me. So her boyfriend went to the same high school as my boyfriend, and they played on the same football team.

And she says, "I saw him getting off the bus tonight after his football game, ... And he was hugging a girl who was wearing his sweatshirt And what do we do? I lawyered for him. Oh, that was probably his sister And she said, and I can still hear it, "Um, it didn't look like a sister kind of hug."

body knows, girls. The body [: 00:20:00

His game was Friday night. I was gonna show up unannounced and catch him red-handed. I had it all worked out. God had a faster plan. That Thursday, my mom takes me to the art supply store. .

, And the store happens to be right by his high school. And this boy who works there comes up, real cute, real friendly. "Can I help you? Where do you go to school?" We're chatting. He mentions he goes to the same high school. And I go, "Oh, my boyfriend goes there."

s name?" And I said his name [: 00:21:00

Who is Vicky? Gina? Mom. No. Be quiet. Back to him. You don't know me. I don't know you. Nobody will ever know we had this conversation. Who is she? And this sweet stranger looks at me with so much pity and says, "That's his girlfriend. I'm friends with her. She wears his football jacket around school. They hold hands.

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And I can close my eyes right now and see that parking lot. I walked out of that store, stood between the cars, called him, and screamed, top of my lungs, full Philly. The whole shopping center got a free show. And you know what he kept saying? Not, "I'm sorry." Not, "I can explain." Just, [00:23:00] "Where are you? Where are you?

Where are you?" None of your fucking business where I am. I will never fucking talk to you ever again And then I went home and fell apart The next day at school, first person who tried to talk to me, I just started crying. I couldn't stop. My mom had to come get me. And then it was , weeks of lying in bed unable to move.

r one matters I wasn't angry.[: 00:24:00

That's the strange part. There was no rage. There was just this deep, quiet sadness because I knew, that if I went back, he would do this to me forever. 17 years old, no therapy, no podcast, no language for any of it, and some little voice in me knew, and I listened That was the very first time in my life I chose myself.

a lot because let's be real, [: 00:25:00

So I'll say it like this: I opened the door and God locked it behind me. Everything happens for a reason, even when that reason wears handcuffs. And that little voice that showed up in the parking lot, 17 more years of men were gonna spend their best efforts teaching me to stop listening to her, but she never left.

This whole podcast, this is her with a microphone

So what does a heartbroken Philly girl do the summer before college?

ht. Our house was the house. [: 00:26:00

That summer saved me And there was this house out back of ours where a bunch of guys we knew lived. And one of them, let's call him the neighbor. Now, the neighbor was not a soulmate situation. I wanna be really clear. I did not get butterflies. I did not plan a wedding. He was just funny. Life of the party, I guess you could say.

, He was that [: 00:27:00

And at the very end of that perfect summer, one drunk night, me and the neighbor were not just friends

coming up, and my girls are [: 00:28:00

one of my best friends that worked at the deli with me, the one whose fake ID I used. And let me tell you about this fake ID, because this girl was fucking the bomb. She didn't just give you the ID, she gave you the whole backup package: insurance card, credit card, full supporting documentation.

irthday, before my keg party [: 00:29:00

Chapter two, next Monday. If this episode did something to you, the swear jar is in the show notes, and so is the review button. I appreciate either one more than you know. And if you know a woman who's still blaming herself for loving her Coolio, send her chapter one. When one woman tells the truth, another woman gets free.

Grab your daddy tissues, girls. Stock up. You're gonna need them for the entire ride. Till next time, my queens