The Wrong B*tch

Ep 11 The Wrong Bitch

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Gina: You know what's really fucking annoying? Growth. I am so sick of growing i've grown enough. I would actually like to regress a little bit because apparently every time you become a stronger, wiser woman, God is like, "Amazing. She learned that lesson. Let's absolutely fuck her week up and see if it stuck."

e wrinkles than one of those [: 00:01:00

She holds all the wisdom." No. Take it back. I don't want it i'll be stupid. . Give me Botox and peace

Welcome back to your favorite show. I'm your host, Gina Sullivan, and you're listening to Daddy Tissues

weeks, and [: 00:02:00

and the crazy thing is, when I eventually tell this entire story, it's going to sound fucking stupid, like genuinely ridiculous. It is so absurd that there are moments where I'm devastated and then 10 minutes later I'm laughing because I'm like, "What the fuck is my life?" This could be a Netflix documentary.

Actually, [: 00:03:00

Sometimes you shut the fuck up. You watch. You collect information. You let people continue talking, because people get very comfortable when they think you're not paying attention, and I'm always paying attention. But I do need to talk about what this week did to me, [00:04:00] because something happened that broke my heart in a way I wasn't expecting.

And then it pissed me off, and then it empowered me, and then it broke my heart again. And then I was ready to take over the fucking world, and then I started crying. And then I was like, "No, fuck this," and then I cried again. That has basically been my emotional schedule. Every 45 minutes, new personality. I have been on the craziest emotional rollercoaster of my entire life, and that is saying a lot.

lingly walked into something [: 00:05:00

I'm gonna tell you what happened to me, what I saw, how I felt, and why something that intentionally felt like one of the most beautiful experiences of my life ends it with me feeling betrayed, ostracized, and completely mind fucked. Because in the beginning, I fucking loved it. Loved it. [00:06:00] I believed in it with my whole heart.

I watched complete strangers walk into a room carrying things they had probably never said out loud before, ever. People cried. People opened up. People confronted shit that they've been carrying around for decades. You're doing these incredibly vulnerable exercises together, and suddenly the person who was a stranger yesterday feels like family.

es, and you connect as human [: 00:07:00

That part, beautiful. I mean that. I'm not going to rewrite history because of what happened later I had experiences there that genuinely changed me. I met people I genuinely love. I learned things about myself that I will carry forever And maybe that's why what happened next fucked with me so badly because I trusted it.

you know anything about me, [: 00:08:00

I don't know how to half-tell the truth. I don't know how to sit in a room thinking something important and pretend I'm not thinking it because everybody else seems comfortable.

he program, and there was an [: 00:09:00

Shouldn't the person I'm talking to know that? Because maybe I genuinely believe in the program. Maybe I think certain parts are incredible. But if I benefit from you joining, you deserve to know that while you're evaluating what I'm saying. That seems pretty fucking reasonable to me Apparently, that was where the fun ended because I asked a question.

it. I asked a question about [: 00:10:00

She was in my face. There was a whole display happening in front of everyone And the weirdest part was my question still wasn't answered And there is something about that moment that I cannot get out of my head. Because you just spent all this time teaching me, [00:11:00] "Speak your truth, be authentic, trust yourself, do the hard thing, stand in your integrity." Okay, I did. Now what? Because authenticity is apparently adorable until your authentic opinion is inconvenient Vulnerability is wonderful until the vulnerable person says something you don't like. Speak your truth sounds fantastic on a wall in cursive. It gets a little more complicated when somebody actually does it.

I wasn't trying to convince [: 00:12:00

I have done that enough with men, with family, in relationships, in every fucking area of my life How many times do women feel something in their bodies, see something, notice something, and then immediately go, "Well, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I'm being difficult. [00:13:00] Maybe I should let it go.

Maybe everybody else is okay with it, so I'm the problem"? Fuck that. Because every major lesson in my life has come with the same stupid realization afterward. You knew. You fucking knew . You just didn't trust yourself. So this time, I trusted myself

program. That is almost art [: 00:14:00

I felt connected. I had formed these intense relationships I believed I had found this incredibly supportive little world where everybody wanted everybody else to grow, and suddenly gone And that triggered something huge in me. Because being rejected by something you didn't care about, whatever. Being rejected by something you [00:15:00] trusted, different story Being rejected because you did the exact thing that they told you was safe to do That shit will rearrange your brain for a minute And then came the part that probably has been hardest for me Watching people respond

Because when you're going through something like this, you find out very quickly who people are when belonging costs them something. The people in my real life, the people who actually knew me, they were proud of me. They were like, "Gina, you did exactly what you were supposed to do." They know my heart.

They [: 00:16:00

I want people to feel seen. That is genuinely who I am, sometimes to my own detriment Because I love people hard, really hard, and I think I expect other people to love me the same way. That might be one of my biggest problems I see people's potential. [00:17:00] I see the good. I see the wounded kid inside of them I can see somebody acting like an asshole and somehow my brain is like, "But let's examine his childhood."

No. Maybe he's just an asshole, Gina. Have we considered that? And this situation forced me to look at that part of myself again because when I connect with people, I connect deeply, and when I believe in something, I believe all the way. There's no casual setting. I don't know how to give 30% of my heart. So every time something like this happens, there's this little voice that goes, "See?

This [: 00:18:00

Protect myself. But then what? I become less of myself because other people didn't know how to handle me? No, I'm not doing that I might need better boundaries. Fine I might need to stop handing out VIP passes to my soul after knowing someone for three Tuesdays. [00:19:00] Fair. I probably need to let people earn trust instead of immediately going, "I see your spirit.

We are family now." That one could use work But I'm not becoming cold. I am not loving less. I'm not shutting off the best parts of myself because somebody else mishandled them They don't get to take that and here's another pattern I've been thinking about I have been underestimated my entire fucking life.

They see that I'm emotional. [: 00:20:00

Because I cry, I'm weak. Because I give people chances, I don't see what they're doing. Because I'm kind, I'm easy to manipulate. And once again, somebody took my kindness for weakness That is a terrible calculation. Not because I'm going to destroy [00:21:00] you, not because I want revenge. I actually don't believe revenge is my job.

, People eventually have to live with themselves. That's enough. But I fucking hate bullies. I have always hated bullies, the second I watch somebody use their power to humiliate, intimidate, isolate, or silence someone, something wakes up inside of me Especially if I think they're doing it because they believe that person won't fight back.

me a problem I will not burn [: 00:22:00

That has been the shift for me this week At first, I was heartbroken. Then I wanted everybody to understand me I wanted people to know my intentions. I wanted to explain. You guys, you don't understand. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone

And then I realized, I know. [: 00:23:00

And I have spent way too much of my life trying to control how people interpret me. That is impossible. You can explain yourself perfectly, and somebody committed to misunderstanding you will still find a way. You could hand them a PowerPoint, charts, footnotes, a fucking reenactment. Doesn't matter So something shifted.

m not a threat?" And started [: 00:24:00

Maybe I'm a woman who asks questions

that are threatening to people who depend on nobody asking questions.

. Maybe a woman who trusts herself is threatening to anybody who benefits from her doubting herself. Maybe somebody who is willing to lose belonging rather than abandon herself is dangerous to systems that use belonging to keep people quiet.

know what comes out of this. [: 00:25:00

Today I am still angry. I am still hurt. I still have moments where I miss the people. I still have moments where I wonder if I should have kept my mouth shut, and then I remember who the fuck I am, and no, I shouldn't have. Because every version of me I am proud of exist because at some point I finally stopped keeping my mouth shut, and maybe that is the point today [00:26:00] Not everything needs to become gratitude immediately.

Can we stop doing that to ourselves? Something terrible happens and three hours later we're like, "But what is the universe trying to teach me?" I don't know, Brenda. . Maybe today the universe can leave me the fuck alone Maybe you can be devastated before you become enlightened.

Maybe you can be furious before you become grateful. Maybe you can admit that somebody hurt you without immediately thanking them for the character development. I know something good will come of this because something always does.

t understand now. But today, [: 00:27:00

I will stand up when something feels wrong, and if that makes me difficult, fine. I have been called worse this week, people told me, "Let it go. Don't give it energy. Move on And I understand why. Sometimes that is wisdom. Sometimes walking away is the strongest thing you can do. But sometimes let it go is exactly how shitty behavior keeps happening And I have to decide which one this is for [00:29:00] myself.

ood in people, that I am weak[: 00:30:00

I am not a lamb I am a fucking lion

now, it's this: do not tell [: 00:31:00