Car Insurance

Ep 12: Ch 5

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Gina: There are certain moments in your life that you remember so clearly that it's actually fucking weird. Like, I couldn't tell you what I ate for dinner three nights ago. I lose my phone while I'm holding it. I walk into rooms and have absolutely no idea why I'm there. But I can close my eyes right now and go directly back to this hospital hallway from almost twenty years ago.

hit by a car. He almost died [: 00:01:00

welcome back, my friends. Here we go again. I'm your host, Gina Sullivan, and you are listening to Daddy Tissues

eing told to people But that [: 00:02:00

Apparently, even my trauma refuses to go in chronological order. Something happened. I needed to talk about it, so I did.

his story, my three-year-old [: 00:03:00

He was hurt. He had a long recovery ahead of him. He wasn't going to be able to walk for a while, but he was alive. He was going to heal And after days of feeling like I was living inside of an actual nightmare, I could finally see the tiniest little crack of light. I could breathe again Now, before I tell you what happened next, I need to explain something about the relationship between me and my son's father, or as you know him, the neighbor

ry toxic relationship. Would [: 00:04:00

I watched men treat women terribly. I watched chaos. I watched unhealthy relationships. So being in one myself didn't exactly set off the internal alarm system that maybe it should have. Apparently, my internal alarm system had dead batteries. It was [00:05:00] not detecting shit And without getting into every single thing that happened between us during those first three years, because that's another forty-seven episodes that nobody asked for, the easiest way I can describe our relationship is this: every time I tried to break up with him, my life became harder.

There would be fighting, chaos, fear, problems, stress, whatever it took, until eventually being back together felt easier than continuing to deal with everything that happened when we weren't. And that's something I understand very differently now than I did then. At the time, I didn't have language for any of this.

I didn't [: 00:06:00

People learn how to love somewhere. People learn how to communicate somewhere. People learn how to control people somewhere too. And whatever his reasons were, this was the dynamic we had created But right before my son's accident, something had changed I had met someone, someone I actually liked. We had started dating, and I was [00:07:00] happy. The neighbor didn't know anything about that relationship because why would he? We weren't together, and I didn't know anything about whoever he was dating either because that wasn't my business, and I genuinely didn't care.

I had moved on. Now, somewhere during those days in the hospital, the neighbor realized I was seeing somebody, and there are parts of this that I remember very specifically. I remember being on my phone, I remember texting, I remember smiling, and I remember him watching me. That's exactly what sticks out the most, the look.

feeling I had when he asked. [: 00:08:00

. Now, my son at three years old was completely obsessed with Spider-Man. And when I say obsessed, three-year-olds don't have opinions, they have religions, and his was Spider-Man. Spider-Man pajamas, Spider-Man costumes, Spider-Man toys, Spider-Man lunchbox, Spider-Man movies.

Everything had to be Spider-Man. And while my son was in the hospital, people were incredible to us. There were flowers, balloons, gifts, cards. Kids made him cards. People showed up.

he guy I had started seeing, [: 00:09:00

I don't remember who asked what. I don't remember exactly what was said. What I remember is the blanket. I remember who it was from, and I remember that the neighbor knew it was from a guy that I was seeing. That's what I know And then the next morning, the neighbor suddenly announces that he has to leave the hospital because he needs to go get car insurance Car insurance.

ay is the day we're handling [: 00:10:00

It made no sense to me, but honestly, I didn't care enough to investigate it. I was exhausted. I hadn't left my son's side. I barely eat. I barely slept. And one thing I learned very quickly in a children's hospital is that the hospital is obviously designed around the child being the patient, which makes sense, but there really wasn't much of a comfortable arrangement for the parent who was staying there around the clock.

se reclining hospital chairs [: 00:11:00

I remember thinking, [00:12:00] "How could you leave your baby here? How could your sick child be in the hospital and you're not here?" And that thought says a lot about who I was then because I had grown up in a really judgmental world, a world where everybody had an opinion about everyone else, a world where we looked at somebody's behavior and decided we knew exactly what kind of person they were without knowing anything about what was happening behind it.

I hadn't learned that yet. Now, I look at those mothers completely differently

he stays at the hospital for [: 00:13:00

What if she had to go to work? What if losing that paycheck meant she couldn't keep a roof over all of their heads? What exactly was she supposed to do? Maybe that mother wanted nothing more than to be sitting next to her sick baby and life had put her in an impossible fucking position And it makes me sad now that my first instinct back then was judgment instead of wondering what that mother might have been going through That's part of growing up too You realize how many things you thought you understood that you didn't understand at all and honestly, I still think it's horrible that any parent should ever be forced into that choice. Sick babies [00:14:00] need their moms, and moms need their sick babies. Parents should have the support they need to actually be able to stay with their children when they're sick.

Anyway, I was lucky. I could stay, and I did. I wouldn't leave him The worst part for me was the IV. They kept having trouble getting it in, and every time they would try again, my son would cry, "Stop pinching me. Stop pinching me."

thing I hadn't had since the [: 00:15:00

Bye." I'd rather sit here alone with my baby anyway and I went back to taking care of my son. I didn't know that anything else was happening. Now, I need to give you one little piece of the backstory here because it becomes important. The neighbor's father, my son's grandfather, had been basically estranged from his own family.

There had been an affair, [: 00:16:00

So I remember genuinely feeling horrible for her. And because of everything that happened, the children in that family wanted nothing to do with their father. They were furious with him. This wasn't some small family argument. There had been a serious break in that family. It had been so long since my son had really been around his grandfather that he didn't even know who he was.

son is in the hospital, he's [: 00:17:00

That's how I saw it. I wasn't suspicious. I wasn't connecting dots. I was thinking about my son. At twenty-one, I saw forgiveness. Looking back, I see something completely different, but we'll get there. So later that night, my son's grandfather asks if he can speak to me in the hallway My mom was with my son, so I said, "Sure."

d out there with him. And he [: 00:18:00

My son couldn't walk yet, so my plan was to stay out of work, stay home with him while he recovered, and once he healed enough to go back to daycare, I'd go back to work. Normal answer Then he looks at me and tells me, "Well, you do know his father has custody of him?" And I kind of laughed because what the fuck are you talking about?

ustody. There was no custody [: 00:19:00

I was working. I was paying for daycare myself. My son's father was working. I kept asking him to help me out financially with his child. He wasn't, so eventually I filed. We weren't even supposed to have our first court date until January, and this was October. Other than that, we had basically co-parented. The neighbor would take my son every other weekend. A lot of the time, his mother would end up watching my son during his time, and honestly, whatever. He was a young guy in his early twenties.

My son adored his grandmother. I knew my son was safe there, so if his father wanted to spend his weekend doing whatever young guys do while Grandmom actually takes care of the child, that was between him and Jesus. It wasn't causing a problem.

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This isn't real. What did you do? Where did you get these?" I didn't understand what I was looking at. He wasn't giving me answers, and then he just walked away I ran back into the hospital room. I got my mom. My heart was pounding. I'm confused. [00:21:00] I'm scared. I'm thinking, "There is no possible fucking way this is real."

And then I remembered that because I had worked at a law firm, I knew a family law attorney. I had his number, so I called him. And I'm crying hysterically, trying to explain what had just happened, trying to explain these papers. And he is telling me

ast, faxing was this ancient [: 00:22:00

We lived like animals. She faxed them, and then I waited. My lawyer called me back, and this is one of those moments I was talking about in the beginning of the episode. I remember what he said I remember how I felt. He said, "Gina, I am so, so sorry And then he told me that what they had done was horrible, but the papers were real Real

s an emergency custody order [: 00:23:00

The paperwork contained allegation after allegation about me and my family

I don't remember the exact legal wording today, so I'm not going to pretend that I do, and honestly, it gives me PTSD. So I don't even wanna think about it. But two of them have always stuck with me One was essentially that I left my son all day with my drunk father. And I wanna stop here because I've talked openly on this podcast about the fact that my father was an alcoholic, and I'm not denying that.

was sober because there's no [: 00:24:00

If you make up something completely insane out of nowhere, maybe nobody believes you. But if you take something people already know is true, my father struggled with alcohol, and then you turn it into Gina leaves her three-year-old all day with her drunk father, now suddenly the lie has something to stand on.

thing I experienced with him [: 00:25:00

And then there was another allegation that essentially said we didn't feed my son. We didn't feed him, my three-year-old, the child that I had been raising, the child whose daycare I paid for, the child whose life revolved around Spider-Man and snacks. We didn't feed him. And the irony was unbelievable. I was barely eating myself because I wouldn't leave my son's bedside, and these papers were saying I didn't feed him.

tion to last week's episode. [: 00:26:00

But this time was different because this wasn't gossip. This wasn't somebody talking shit about me to another person. These allegations were written on legal papers, and a judge had signed them.

... I didn't understand how [: 00:27:00

. Emergency custody exists for a reason. There are children who are actually in danger. There are situations where a court may have to act immediately. I understand that now. But standing in that hospital hallway at 21 years old, what I understood was someone had made allegations about me.

I hadn't been there to answer them, and now there is a signed order saying my son's father had custody

appened. And my lawyer tells [: 00:28:00

I hadn't even fucking thought about tomorrow I hadn't put that part together yet. I was still stuck on, "These papers are real? How are these papers real?" I hadn't actually processed what he has custody meant Tomorrow was supposed to be the good day. Tomorrow was the day my son was finally leaving the hospital.

e he felt safe with his mom. [: 00:29:00

My lawyer tells me, "They said you're allowed to go to their house with them." Allowed. I was allowed to accompany my own baby to their house as a guest , the woman who had been sleeping beside him in that hospital for days was suddenly being told, "Tomorrow you can go with your son, but you're not the one taking him home."

my own child's life overnight[: 00:30:00

And it made absolutely no fucking sense to me

.. Because if I was supposedly such a danger that my child needed to be taken away from me on an emergency order,

Why was I allowed to go with him? I didn't understand it then. .. But before we get back to what I think about that now, let's get back to something. The fucking car insurance. Because all of a sudden, the car insurance made sense. That's why he needed car insurance.

son away from that hospital [: 00:31:00

While I was sitting beside our injured three-year-old thinking that's what he was doing, this entire emergency custody situation was also being put into motion

I was sitting there holding our son's hand, watching him sleep, crying when he cried, thinking his father was out handling fucking car insurance And meanwhile, my entire life was changing outside of that hospital room

my life became so miserable [: 00:32:00

And when I say I was afraid of him, I don't mean he looked like some giant, terrifying man. He didn't. Actually, if you put him next to my father, you'd probably laugh at the idea that he was the person I was scared of. My dad is a big, intimidating-looking man. My son's father wasn't. And that was one of the reasons my dad had such a hard time understanding why I was afraid of him because the fear wasn't about what he looked like.

about, what their weak spot [: 00:33:00

He could make you feel like he was your friend, get you talking, learn things about you, And then later, those same things could become leverage He didn't need to look scary. He knew where to press. And from my perspective, I wasn't the only person who reacted to him in that way.

I watched people in his own family walk on eggshells around him too. But for years, when he used fear and chaos to pull me back, it worked. Until now

ing me back stopped working, [: 00:34:00

And he knew me. He knew there was no fucking universe where I was going to let my child go through this without me, especially after that child had just almost died.

So if my son had to go there, where was I going to go? With my son, right back into his world, right back around him, right back into a situation where he controlled the environment again

The court wasn't [: 00:35:00

Suddenly, he's back. At twenty-one, I saw forgiveness. Looking back, I see something completely different. I wasn't inside their private conversations. I can't tell you exactly who said what. I can't tell you every conversation that happened behind closed doors, and I'm not going to pretend that I can But I do [00:36:00] not believe anymore that his father's sudden return was some beautiful reconciliation caused by my son's accident.

I believe they needed him. I believe his sudden return to that family was connected to what was happening to me and my son. Whatever happened behind those closed doors,

In my mind, they hadn't suddenly forgotten everything that had happened. They activated him. And to this day, I believe my son's father was the driving force behind all of it. Because getting people to do what he wanted, getting inside their heads, figuring out which button to push, that was something he was very, very good at.

that my child would survive. [: 00:37:00

His father was. I could go with them, but legally, I could not take my own son home with me

sit there and do nothing by [: 00:38:00